The kids are hyper, excited and happy because we are going on holiday tomorrow.
Of course, this is occasionally slipping into screaming fits of self-hate and acts of extreme paranoia.
You know, like children do when they're happy about something.
Meanwhile Husband and I are trying to get the house straight before we go and get up-to-date with the washing and ironing, whilst not losing our minds.
I wish it would stop raining.
Monday, 30 July 2012
Thursday, 26 July 2012
last week EVER
Daughter endured the last week of Primary school EVER with a nonchalance that belied her anxiety. I could tell that she was anxious because she was trying to control me down to the eyeballs, but she wasn't the blubbering mess of emotions that her school mates were. Even though the school did their very best to rub the fact that it was THE LAST WEEK EVER in everyone's face with concerts, assemblies and leaver's discos.
Husband and I were disappointed with the role she was given in the leaver's concert, which was to crawl on stage under a big hat, hide under a table and mutter one line. Can't say we have photos of her performance. Can't even say we heard or saw her. Pissed me off. I have repeatedly told all of the teacher's that she has had at that school to challenge her out of her comfort zone, to not let her sit at that back, to get her out there. And to the last they blew a big raspberry in my face regarding that one. Husband and I endured one and a half hours of watching about 6 precocious kids take all the lead parts in a "concert" that was filled with bad dancing, bad singing, bad plays and bad comedy sketches. I mostly sat there loathing my daughter's teacher, one for letting my Daughter down and not being the teacher that she needed, and two for still having a 1980s hairstyle that did nothing for her already weak looks.
During that last week, Son was mostly the problem. How he loathes anyone getting any attention other than him.
Then, the first Monday and Tuesday of the holiday, Daughter was on "induction days" up at her new High School, and once again, to all appearances, coped well. Seemed enthusiastic even. I was very proud of her.
Then there was last night. First sign of trouble was when I picked her and her brother up from sports camp. I could tell was very subtly, but very deliberately, trying to unsettle her brother. Trying to off-load her feelings of anxiety and paranoia off on him, and believe me, he readily picks them up. Then they were obsessively picking at each other to the point I couldn't bare to be in the same room as them. Talk about a bickering old married couple.
Unfortunately, it was a busy night for me, with a few tasks in the home I wanted to do before popping off to do some jobs for my business. This meant that I couldn't be there for Daughter as perhaps she wanted me to be. So she stalked me. There was a not a room I could walk into without my little shadow behind me. Sounds, cute? No, it's creepy. And irritating. You pop into the garden to do something, and you see her getting her wellies on. You finish what you were doing so head back in to do the next thing you need to do, passing her on the way. Before you've even started on the next job, you hear she's come in after you. You go to the toilet, she's outside waiting whilst you poo. You go into your bedroom to do something, she's at the door with a silly question. You close the door, because you need to concentrate. You can hear the landing floorboards squeaking as she listens trying to guess what you are up to. You go back downstairs to do something in the dining room, she's suddenly there too, hanging around the guinea pig cage, suddenly desperate to hold when when she's not bothered with them for weeks. You pop into the kitchen to pick up something you need for upstairs, you meet her coming in on your way out. You're in your bedroom, door closed and you hear her go into her room.
Thing is, it might seem like a bored child, but if you try and set up a stalking child with a task or activity, they just use that task or activity to keep coming to find you anyway, pretending they don't know what they are doing or they need your help. Because they are not bored. They are feeling insecure, or something, and basically want to crawl into your skin, but failing that initiating a surveillance operation on you works for them.
I feel shy about highlighting to her what she is doing, but maybe that's what I should do?
Anyway, that night we had the refusal to get into bed because THERE'S A SPIDER scenario, which resulted in a massive panic attack.
In this instance Husband and I did highlight to her that she wasn't panicking about an invisible spider, she was panicking about all the changes she was facing. I'm sick and tired, to be honest, of trying to make her realise that she just needs to drop the whole spider crap and use her words. I've done several things over the years to try and get the kids to be able to identify and verbalise their emotions, but we still get SPIDER!!!! and from Son MY SHOES ARE TOO BIG!!!!
I went to check on her later, she was all smiles. She had kisses and cuddles. But neither of the kids were asleep until way past 10pm.
Husband and I were disappointed with the role she was given in the leaver's concert, which was to crawl on stage under a big hat, hide under a table and mutter one line. Can't say we have photos of her performance. Can't even say we heard or saw her. Pissed me off. I have repeatedly told all of the teacher's that she has had at that school to challenge her out of her comfort zone, to not let her sit at that back, to get her out there. And to the last they blew a big raspberry in my face regarding that one. Husband and I endured one and a half hours of watching about 6 precocious kids take all the lead parts in a "concert" that was filled with bad dancing, bad singing, bad plays and bad comedy sketches. I mostly sat there loathing my daughter's teacher, one for letting my Daughter down and not being the teacher that she needed, and two for still having a 1980s hairstyle that did nothing for her already weak looks.
During that last week, Son was mostly the problem. How he loathes anyone getting any attention other than him.
Then, the first Monday and Tuesday of the holiday, Daughter was on "induction days" up at her new High School, and once again, to all appearances, coped well. Seemed enthusiastic even. I was very proud of her.
Then there was last night. First sign of trouble was when I picked her and her brother up from sports camp. I could tell was very subtly, but very deliberately, trying to unsettle her brother. Trying to off-load her feelings of anxiety and paranoia off on him, and believe me, he readily picks them up. Then they were obsessively picking at each other to the point I couldn't bare to be in the same room as them. Talk about a bickering old married couple.
Unfortunately, it was a busy night for me, with a few tasks in the home I wanted to do before popping off to do some jobs for my business. This meant that I couldn't be there for Daughter as perhaps she wanted me to be. So she stalked me. There was a not a room I could walk into without my little shadow behind me. Sounds, cute? No, it's creepy. And irritating. You pop into the garden to do something, and you see her getting her wellies on. You finish what you were doing so head back in to do the next thing you need to do, passing her on the way. Before you've even started on the next job, you hear she's come in after you. You go to the toilet, she's outside waiting whilst you poo. You go into your bedroom to do something, she's at the door with a silly question. You close the door, because you need to concentrate. You can hear the landing floorboards squeaking as she listens trying to guess what you are up to. You go back downstairs to do something in the dining room, she's suddenly there too, hanging around the guinea pig cage, suddenly desperate to hold when when she's not bothered with them for weeks. You pop into the kitchen to pick up something you need for upstairs, you meet her coming in on your way out. You're in your bedroom, door closed and you hear her go into her room.
Thing is, it might seem like a bored child, but if you try and set up a stalking child with a task or activity, they just use that task or activity to keep coming to find you anyway, pretending they don't know what they are doing or they need your help. Because they are not bored. They are feeling insecure, or something, and basically want to crawl into your skin, but failing that initiating a surveillance operation on you works for them.
I feel shy about highlighting to her what she is doing, but maybe that's what I should do?
Anyway, that night we had the refusal to get into bed because THERE'S A SPIDER scenario, which resulted in a massive panic attack.
In this instance Husband and I did highlight to her that she wasn't panicking about an invisible spider, she was panicking about all the changes she was facing. I'm sick and tired, to be honest, of trying to make her realise that she just needs to drop the whole spider crap and use her words. I've done several things over the years to try and get the kids to be able to identify and verbalise their emotions, but we still get SPIDER!!!! and from Son MY SHOES ARE TOO BIG!!!!
I went to check on her later, she was all smiles. She had kisses and cuddles. But neither of the kids were asleep until way past 10pm.
Friday, 20 July 2012
other fucked-up families
Daughter's best friend at school has been around to our house for tea twice in the last three years and I've also taken her out with us during school holidays, picked her up, bought her drinks, ice creams, dropped her back off home well-looked after and entertained for the afternoon.
My Daughter's best friend's family have invited Daughter over once. Once, three years ago, when Daughter first joined the school. I stopped inviting Daughter's best friend over when I noticed the favour was not being returned. Daughter was not invited over for tea. Daughter was not invited out for the day. I was getting a bit sick of that. I hated having the kids' friends over - they would get so hyper and their sibling would get deadly jealous - but I thought it was an important bit of socialisation so I carried on for a while. But no parent was inviting my children back. Then Son entered his abusive stage and I put a stop to it altogether.
When needing to talk to me about something, my Daughter's best friend's Mum seemed bright and friendly. She's a teacher, well spoken, well dressed, a good line in seeming friendly. I thought we would become friends too. That plan hit a slight hitch when this particular Mother became prone to blanking me and on one recent occasion, giving me a dirty look.
Once, early on, before she started behaving like this towards me, she had taken me aback by literally scowling at the sight of another Mother in the playground, saying that her child was horrible and that she was going to give that Mother a piece of her mind one day. To me, if kids have problems with each other at school, that doesn't have to carry on with the parents. If my kid has a falling out with someone, I don't take it personally!
So, when I started getting this treatment from my Daughter's best friend's Mother myself, some time ago now, I assumed there had been problems between the girls and that I was now copping it from her. Sometimes Daughter would tell me that her best friend had fallen out with her, and gone off with other girls and made fun of her, but she learnt to take it on the chin and this school year, as far as I was concerned, there have been no problems at all. In fact, they are now not only at the same High School but also in the same class and Daughter was so excited about that. Her best friend also came to her birthday pamper party the other week, too, and they got on great as far as I could see.
Then before my Daughter's recent birthday, this particular Mother came up to me, all friendly like, and explained about her Daughter's epi-pen, gushing with thanks for the invite. Everything is OK now, I thought, maybe I imagined that filthy look and all the times she blanked me. I'm so sensitive! She's such a nice lady, I'm glad my Daughter is friends with her Daughter.
Imagine my surprise then when not long after this (expensive) outing, I was cornered by my Daughter's best friend's Mother at the recent school garden party. She said to me that she was sorry to do this, that she didn't know what is going on between our girls but that she thought that they really needed to stay away from each other! She couldn't have stunned me more if she'd had stood in front of me and declared herself my Daughter's birth Mum. She went on to say that her Daughter was going home after school crying, and enough was enough.
I think I stunned my Daughter's best friend's Mother in return by verbalising my surprise, telling her that my Daughter considered her her best friend, that she really loved her, even wanted her hair crimped like her, was excited about being in High School with her and hadn't expressed to me any problems at all.
She didn't quite know what to say then. That was obviously very far from what she was expecting me to say.
Then, suddenly, her Daughter was there. I said to her, not a little over-dramatically, exaggerating my maternal, caring tone - almost as if I was taking the piss - that if my Daughter was making her cry then best she stop being friends with her, then. I nearly added that I was surprised she came to the pamper birthday party of my Daughter if she had such a detrimental effect on her, but I held back.
And that was that and I tried not to dwell on it. Spoke to Daughter about it a couple of times, trying not to lead her, genuinely puzzled at this turn of events and wanting to know what was going on, but she seemed as disbelieving and puzzled as me. I wrote the Mother off as insane and decided the girl was bricking-it about going up to High School and that her Mother just misunderstood her trauma.
Then Daughter told me that she kept asking another Mother of another friend, also a girl who had been to our home for tea, when she could go around her house for tea in return. This is not as cheeky as it seems because she was actually invited by this Mother. A year ago. And for one whole year, this other Mother, whom I know a little as we are both volunteers at the school, has told my Daughter that she will be invited around for tea soon. She told me that at the beginning too.
Oh well, I had been thinking, giving this Mother the benefit of the doubt, perhaps she's another parent like me, hates having other kids around. I suggested this to Daughter recently, when she was complaining how she still didn't have an invite back to this girl's home, even after all this time.
That was when Daughter also told me that her best friend is always around this girl's home for tea, and that the other girl is always going up to her best friend's house for tea.
The cliquey, sneaky rotten bitches.
The Mothers, not the girls.
Although...
So, these Mothers have been ignoring my Daughter, shutting her out, not including her in a friendship circle she so desperately wanted (and needed) to be part of, and yet at the same time taking advantage of all the outings, teas and birthday invites from me.
That stinks, it really does.
And I didn't even see it. I didn't expect such behaviour from two grown, professional women, who had always been so smiley to my face.
Fuck them both.
It was my Daughter's leaving assembly today (she's leaving to go up to High School next September, I will do a post on that, and the whole last week) and both the bitches were there. Do you know what? I didn't want to play the game of catching their eye, being the one to make the first friendly move because otherwsie they would pretend not to see me. I just blanked them both. Fuck em. Fuck them both. They wanna ignore my Daughter, then they no longer exist except as part of the general flotsam that wash up at the school.
And you know what? Made me realise something. We may be bonkers in this family. We may have come together in an uncommon way and be a bit different to the norm, but at least we're nice. We're nice, kind people in this family. We're not cliquey. We don't pick on people and exclude them. We are not bullies. And whereas I might be judgmental of others, opinionated and unafraid, what I am NOT is a bitch. I don't set out to hurt people, and I wouldn't do what they have done to a child.
My family might be fucked-up, but we're no where near as fucked-up as those two nasty households with their controlling two-faced Mothers and their lying children.
Wednesday, 18 July 2012
normal and bonkers
Son continues to act relatively normal. Last night he was cheeky to his Dad, was reprimanded, had a small tantrum, then apologised and got on with the nighttime routine. He was in a bad mood Monday after school, doing his old eveything is rubbish routine, to try and get a rise out of me. I told him I wasn't having it, sent him upstairs to get it out of his system, which he did, loudly, then came back down and just got on with things. Wonderful. On Sunday we spent a long time at the in-laws and the whole day he was a delight and a joy to be with. This week is hard, last week of term, change of routine, change ahead and we're all tied, but he's being thoroughly manageable, if a little bit volatile.
Daughter, of course, has therefore taken this opportunity to go bonkers. Controlling behaviours from the past such as the standard I'm going to play RIGHT in front of you and GET RIGHT IN YOUR WAY and then get all upset when you complain to the classic I can reach that cup, but I can't reach that other cup, so I'm going to get you to come and get that other cup for me to the old favourite I want to crawl inside you and control your every move, but I can't do that so I'm going to constantly try and direct your eyeballs to look at what I'm looking at and to get your thoughts to think about what I'm thinking about. More and more, the closer we get to her leaving Primary School for good, we're also getting the last resort attention seeker of such things as there's a spider! There's a fly! My Brother just kicked me (even though he's not in the same room as me)!
The good news on that front is that this time around I'm having none of it. I'm giving her plenty of attention and comfort but it is positive attention and comfort given on my terms. She can carry on with all her crap, that is her prerogative, but as far as I'm concerned it's nowt to do with me.
The only time I got drawn in was when I found that the little bag she carries around with her had a pocket full of sugar. Yes, she had moved on from putting cake sprinkles in there and chosen raw sugar to dip into every now and again. This was a step into Bonkerdom too far for me and I lost my cool with her. She'd obviously learnt nothing from the cake sprinkling debacle other than she had to be cleverer in what she took. That's what kills me really, despite all the talk of honesty and trust, and trying to get her to confront herself on this issue, all she's done is find a way to get one on me again. She's a girl who is a slave to her compulsions and that is going to get her into so much trouble as she gets older.
But, all-in-all, I can't complain. We're doing OK at the mo. And I'm not going to ruin it and be so silly as to try and bond again with them over this, our third summer holiday together. I'll carry on doing the little, frequent things I do with them, which works much better than the craft activity afternoons and longer "projects" I've made the effort to do in previous holidays. During the day, when I am working, when they are not with the grandparents, they will be in a club and that will suit us all much better. Wish us luck!!
Daughter, of course, has therefore taken this opportunity to go bonkers. Controlling behaviours from the past such as the standard I'm going to play RIGHT in front of you and GET RIGHT IN YOUR WAY and then get all upset when you complain to the classic I can reach that cup, but I can't reach that other cup, so I'm going to get you to come and get that other cup for me to the old favourite I want to crawl inside you and control your every move, but I can't do that so I'm going to constantly try and direct your eyeballs to look at what I'm looking at and to get your thoughts to think about what I'm thinking about. More and more, the closer we get to her leaving Primary School for good, we're also getting the last resort attention seeker of such things as there's a spider! There's a fly! My Brother just kicked me (even though he's not in the same room as me)!
The good news on that front is that this time around I'm having none of it. I'm giving her plenty of attention and comfort but it is positive attention and comfort given on my terms. She can carry on with all her crap, that is her prerogative, but as far as I'm concerned it's nowt to do with me.
The only time I got drawn in was when I found that the little bag she carries around with her had a pocket full of sugar. Yes, she had moved on from putting cake sprinkles in there and chosen raw sugar to dip into every now and again. This was a step into Bonkerdom too far for me and I lost my cool with her. She'd obviously learnt nothing from the cake sprinkling debacle other than she had to be cleverer in what she took. That's what kills me really, despite all the talk of honesty and trust, and trying to get her to confront herself on this issue, all she's done is find a way to get one on me again. She's a girl who is a slave to her compulsions and that is going to get her into so much trouble as she gets older.
But, all-in-all, I can't complain. We're doing OK at the mo. And I'm not going to ruin it and be so silly as to try and bond again with them over this, our third summer holiday together. I'll carry on doing the little, frequent things I do with them, which works much better than the craft activity afternoons and longer "projects" I've made the effort to do in previous holidays. During the day, when I am working, when they are not with the grandparents, they will be in a club and that will suit us all much better. Wish us luck!!
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