Life's gone, well, alarmingly normal.
It used to be that I would forage for little bits of happiness among all the trauma, but just lately I keep coming across lots of little bits of normality and it keeps taking me by surprise.
Take for instance, the day before sports day. Son's giving his Father lip because he's been asked to get his sports kit together. I really don't like his attitude so I tell him in no uncertain terms that if he doesn't go get his kit together right this minute, he will go to school in his uniform and I will not allow him to take part in the day. He's goes off moodily, returns a few minutes later having got his kit together, apologises, says he was playing up because he's got skipping tomorrow and he hates skipping, then cuddles up to me and we watch TV together.
I mean... *splutter* how fantastic is that? a few months ago he'd have been spitting at me and chucking bits of his broken bed at my head. Now he's just, well, normal!
And Daughter too, yes, she has been veeeery irritating building up to her birthday, but even with her, even in this trigger month of June I've seen glimpses of what she is like when she drops the crap. We got some chickens and she's always popping into the garden to see how they are and to have a chat to them. Nothing unusual in that you might think, but in the near three years Daughter has lived here she has never been out in the garden on her own. NEVER. If we have friends or relatives around, she'll play outside with them, or if she can control her brother, she'll take him out to boss him around and get her kicks from that, but other than that, no chance.
The other day we were both out there with them and she was totally absorbed in them and what they were doing and I realised that she was chatting to me NORMALLY. She wasn't compulsively saying Mummuy or talking nonsense, she was speaking without thinking, without being conscious of it, and we were just sort of having a bit of a chat. She has previously seemed incapable of this level of communication.
And the girl who used to scream at ants was on her hands and knees among the bedding and muck feeding chickens dead worms. I had to stop myself from doing a little happy dance. I think the minute I make her conscious of how she's not conscious of what she's doing, it will be game over.
They're both a pain together mind, needing the usual level of supervision. We're working hard on giving them separate lives, but it's not a simple thing.
Even with that there is some success. For over two and a half years school pick up has been demoralising. All smiles when they come out of school, then one of them shedding trauma as soon as we're all in the car. It was clearly a habit, to hold it in all day and then shed trauma when out of view of the outside world. School was calm and happy, home was arguing and tears and trauma. I always felt like their punching bag and it wasn't very pleasant.
But just lately ... normal post-school chatter.
I don't want to make too much of it, because then, obviously, my next post will detail how the honeymoon spell is over! But I just had to record it here because it is so amazing to feel sometimes that I am living a normal life again with normal people in it. Of course normal is relative, but if it looks like normal, feels like normal and smells like normal, then.....
Wednesday, 27 June 2012
Monday, 18 June 2012
father's day
Eugh! Father's Day. Last year ended with me ripping into Son because he couldn't handle the fact that we were celebrating someone other than him. What I'd really wanted to do was just leave him behind in the Welsh Castle we visited, where he was happily trying to break stuff in the gift shop to express his unhappiness at being forced to enjoy a day trip out, so I consider myself restrained to just have kept it at that.
Luckily, the chips fell in our favour this year. My next door nieghbour had her granddaughter over and Daughter loves to go over and play with her (she's five years younger that Daughter, suits her down to the ground). With her out of the way, Husband could play with Son without Daughter sabotaging things so the morning went really well. Then we made it over to my Brother's house to see my Dad and that went OK. I even baked a cake for the occasion that was actually eaten. Son was an absolute delight and Daughter gave me a break by channeling all her energies into controlling my Brother's Girlfriend instead of trying to control me.
Daughter is being exceptionally moody and controlling at the moment and is driving all three of us mad. She's always bad in June. June is her trigger month. June is the month of her birthday and also the month she was taken into care. This year we have the added whammy of her nearing her end at Primary school, so the tension is really high. She's compulsive. I have spoken of her compulsion to steal. One of her other main compulsions is to say the word "mummy". She can't stop herself. She's stalking me around the house Mummy this and Mummy that, followed by some absolute nonsense that she makes up on the spot. Other compulsions are to make people do things for her that she could easily do herself - plenty of cups she can reach in the cupboard but she'll fetch me to get the one that she can't reach - or to ask silly questions - what day is Wednesday? She can't leave her brother alone at the moment either, she's always on at him like the nagging Mother I could never be arsed to be. Yep, she's well stressed at the mo.
But, neither Husband nor I had occasion to lose our temper (even as we lose our sanity) and the day passed quite well. Hurrah!
Luckily, the chips fell in our favour this year. My next door nieghbour had her granddaughter over and Daughter loves to go over and play with her (she's five years younger that Daughter, suits her down to the ground). With her out of the way, Husband could play with Son without Daughter sabotaging things so the morning went really well. Then we made it over to my Brother's house to see my Dad and that went OK. I even baked a cake for the occasion that was actually eaten. Son was an absolute delight and Daughter gave me a break by channeling all her energies into controlling my Brother's Girlfriend instead of trying to control me.
Daughter is being exceptionally moody and controlling at the moment and is driving all three of us mad. She's always bad in June. June is her trigger month. June is the month of her birthday and also the month she was taken into care. This year we have the added whammy of her nearing her end at Primary school, so the tension is really high. She's compulsive. I have spoken of her compulsion to steal. One of her other main compulsions is to say the word "mummy". She can't stop herself. She's stalking me around the house Mummy this and Mummy that, followed by some absolute nonsense that she makes up on the spot. Other compulsions are to make people do things for her that she could easily do herself - plenty of cups she can reach in the cupboard but she'll fetch me to get the one that she can't reach - or to ask silly questions - what day is Wednesday? She can't leave her brother alone at the moment either, she's always on at him like the nagging Mother I could never be arsed to be. Yep, she's well stressed at the mo.
But, neither Husband nor I had occasion to lose our temper (even as we lose our sanity) and the day passed quite well. Hurrah!
Wednesday, 13 June 2012
sucking it up!
And so.... on Monday evening I belatedly picked up not one, but two voice messages from the school. I should know who they were from. She's either a Learning Mentor or a Class Assistant and I know we've talked before, but I couldn't remember exactly who the message leaver was. Anyway, the message was could I call her back? Nothing to worry about, but she had some information to share.
I called first thing the next day, and had to wait until lunchtime for a return call. Not good for cortisol levels that were already escalated.
Turns out that on the Friday before half-term, when the whole school was celebrating the Jubilee and me and my Husband were at my Granmother's funeral, my Daughter was stealing a packet of sweets out of a girl's bag. After the sweets were reported missing, the empty packet was found in my Daughter's bag. She admitted taking and eating them and said she was sorry and that she wouldn't do it again. Just like she does at home.
On this Friday, because of the Jubilee party, cakes, biscuits and sweets were freely available and in abundance all day. And yet, she had to take some sweets that she knew were hers not to take. Just like she does at home.
Husband and I talked to her last night. We highlighted that she knew she shouldn't take things that were not hers. That she knew it was wrong. That she knew it was hurtful and disrespectful to the other person. That she knew it meant she was breaking people's trust. That she knew what people would think of her... and yet, she still did it.
We couldn't help her, we said. She had to stop herself. Next time she saw something she wanted, and she knew she shouldn't take it, she would have to stop herself. In order to do that, she would have to figure out why she kept doing this even when she knew it was wrong. She had to go through what was in her head, what motivated her to do it, figure some stuff out and then she had to learn to stop. Nobody could do this for her, we said, she had to do this herself.
And just to give her extra motivation we said that we could not protect her from the consequences of taking things she shouldn't out there in the real world. No matter why she did what she did, there would be horrible consequences if she did such things at High School. That these things would be taken more seriously when she was older. That the girls she would be going to High School with were older and tougher than she and wouldn't put up with her taking their stuff. That there was always the chance the police would be called. That we couldn't and wouldn't protect her from such consequences. She would just have to suck it up and learn to STOP.
Husband and I pretty much think she sat there patiently waiting for the lecture to be over so that she could carry on playing. That the next time an opportunity presents itself to take something she wants, she'll just do it. The afterwards she'll say she's sorry and it won't happen again, even though we've said to her we're not interested in hearing those words.
This morning I had a word with myself. Last week was tough. I've got a lot on. I've got a suicidal Son, a Daughter who lies and steals as easily as she breathes, and a husband who is tired from working long hours, and I just have to suck it up. This is my life now. There will, no doubt, be times in the future when I find myself unable to move and in tears on the bathroom floor again. I got over it before, I'll get over what-ever it is again.
You can waste a whole life waiting for things to get better, to have an easier week, to just get something or some-such out of the way, but ultimately all of it is your life that you live. You have to wake up in the morning and just get on with whatever fresh hell is thrown your way that day. What else you gonna do? It's never gonna stop. Not until you lay stone cold and lifeless on some mortuary slab somewhere. So suck it up, Scribberlings, suck up your life and get on with it.
I called first thing the next day, and had to wait until lunchtime for a return call. Not good for cortisol levels that were already escalated.
Turns out that on the Friday before half-term, when the whole school was celebrating the Jubilee and me and my Husband were at my Granmother's funeral, my Daughter was stealing a packet of sweets out of a girl's bag. After the sweets were reported missing, the empty packet was found in my Daughter's bag. She admitted taking and eating them and said she was sorry and that she wouldn't do it again. Just like she does at home.
On this Friday, because of the Jubilee party, cakes, biscuits and sweets were freely available and in abundance all day. And yet, she had to take some sweets that she knew were hers not to take. Just like she does at home.
Husband and I talked to her last night. We highlighted that she knew she shouldn't take things that were not hers. That she knew it was wrong. That she knew it was hurtful and disrespectful to the other person. That she knew it meant she was breaking people's trust. That she knew what people would think of her... and yet, she still did it.
We couldn't help her, we said. She had to stop herself. Next time she saw something she wanted, and she knew she shouldn't take it, she would have to stop herself. In order to do that, she would have to figure out why she kept doing this even when she knew it was wrong. She had to go through what was in her head, what motivated her to do it, figure some stuff out and then she had to learn to stop. Nobody could do this for her, we said, she had to do this herself.
And just to give her extra motivation we said that we could not protect her from the consequences of taking things she shouldn't out there in the real world. No matter why she did what she did, there would be horrible consequences if she did such things at High School. That these things would be taken more seriously when she was older. That the girls she would be going to High School with were older and tougher than she and wouldn't put up with her taking their stuff. That there was always the chance the police would be called. That we couldn't and wouldn't protect her from such consequences. She would just have to suck it up and learn to STOP.
Husband and I pretty much think she sat there patiently waiting for the lecture to be over so that she could carry on playing. That the next time an opportunity presents itself to take something she wants, she'll just do it. The afterwards she'll say she's sorry and it won't happen again, even though we've said to her we're not interested in hearing those words.
This morning I had a word with myself. Last week was tough. I've got a lot on. I've got a suicidal Son, a Daughter who lies and steals as easily as she breathes, and a husband who is tired from working long hours, and I just have to suck it up. This is my life now. There will, no doubt, be times in the future when I find myself unable to move and in tears on the bathroom floor again. I got over it before, I'll get over what-ever it is again.
You can waste a whole life waiting for things to get better, to have an easier week, to just get something or some-such out of the way, but ultimately all of it is your life that you live. You have to wake up in the morning and just get on with whatever fresh hell is thrown your way that day. What else you gonna do? It's never gonna stop. Not until you lay stone cold and lifeless on some mortuary slab somewhere. So suck it up, Scribberlings, suck up your life and get on with it.
Monday, 11 June 2012
cracking up
And in the latest news, I am cracking up again.
It was an exceptionally busy half term. Starting with my Gran's funeral, moving through the Jubilee extended weekend and having family over both Bank Holidays, adding in my car breaking down, fitting in taking kids to a party that meant them spending the morning with me as I completed jobs for my business, which then meant I was forced into a social engagement with an arsehole and a trauma-chucker, all the time coming down with a nasty virus that's made my joints ache like hell and with a building sense of panic about Father's Day next Sunday, and our Daughter's birthday in two weeks, along with all the stuff to do to get ready for her moving up to High School this September, in the midst of my business suddenly taking off magnificently, whilst worrying about the summer holidays and my 40th birthday plans, yet still having to be the calm and engaging mother the kids need because it's June and it's half-term and they've gone fucking looney.
By yesterday Sunday lunchtime I was sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing. My Husband and the Kids were waiting for me to stop so that I could drive us all to the Big Wok for lunch. I had tried that morning to tell my Husband that I felt I was collapsing, but to be honest he didn't seem that interested. I felt like a broken down machine causing everyone inconvenience.
I did stop crying and I did get everyone to the Big Wok for lunch. Then I came back and went to sleep whilst Husband did the necessary until the kids bedtime. He's busy at work and tired himself and I think he's turning a blind eye to my losing my mind again, hoping I'll just come out of it.
I am aware that I feel very wobbly. I'm very busy this week with family and business appointments that cannot be put off and I am terrified that I am going to forget something somewhere.
Worst of all, I'm feeling anxiety about being around the children again. They've done so well this half-term, in terms of anxiety and behaviour but they hardly leave me alone. Son is in the habit at the moment of biting hold of a piece of my clothing and literally following me around like it. He'd crawl inside my skin if he could. Daughter too is following me everywhere, watching me, as always. Any excuse to talk to me, control me, get me to do something for her. I coped with them so well at first that I was amazing myself, but then came this strange virus, no temperature, no runny nose, just painful joints and an all pervasive stiffness that makes me feel old and frail, and I seem to have run out of 'mother' to give them. They'll really need me tonight, first day back to school after half-term and already I know I can't be quite what they need.
It was an exceptionally busy half term. Starting with my Gran's funeral, moving through the Jubilee extended weekend and having family over both Bank Holidays, adding in my car breaking down, fitting in taking kids to a party that meant them spending the morning with me as I completed jobs for my business, which then meant I was forced into a social engagement with an arsehole and a trauma-chucker, all the time coming down with a nasty virus that's made my joints ache like hell and with a building sense of panic about Father's Day next Sunday, and our Daughter's birthday in two weeks, along with all the stuff to do to get ready for her moving up to High School this September, in the midst of my business suddenly taking off magnificently, whilst worrying about the summer holidays and my 40th birthday plans, yet still having to be the calm and engaging mother the kids need because it's June and it's half-term and they've gone fucking looney.
By yesterday Sunday lunchtime I was sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing. My Husband and the Kids were waiting for me to stop so that I could drive us all to the Big Wok for lunch. I had tried that morning to tell my Husband that I felt I was collapsing, but to be honest he didn't seem that interested. I felt like a broken down machine causing everyone inconvenience.
I did stop crying and I did get everyone to the Big Wok for lunch. Then I came back and went to sleep whilst Husband did the necessary until the kids bedtime. He's busy at work and tired himself and I think he's turning a blind eye to my losing my mind again, hoping I'll just come out of it.
I am aware that I feel very wobbly. I'm very busy this week with family and business appointments that cannot be put off and I am terrified that I am going to forget something somewhere.
Worst of all, I'm feeling anxiety about being around the children again. They've done so well this half-term, in terms of anxiety and behaviour but they hardly leave me alone. Son is in the habit at the moment of biting hold of a piece of my clothing and literally following me around like it. He'd crawl inside my skin if he could. Daughter too is following me everywhere, watching me, as always. Any excuse to talk to me, control me, get me to do something for her. I coped with them so well at first that I was amazing myself, but then came this strange virus, no temperature, no runny nose, just painful joints and an all pervasive stiffness that makes me feel old and frail, and I seem to have run out of 'mother' to give them. They'll really need me tonight, first day back to school after half-term and already I know I can't be quite what they need.
Monday, 4 June 2012
past and future
Well, we buried the old girl.
My Dad and his two Sisters adored their Mother and I can only hope I have that kind of love from my children by the time it comes my turn to pop my clogs. Although, bless me Gran, but I hope there is more to admire about me and that I cause less worry in my final years.
This extended Bank Holiday weekend we are celebrating the Diamond Jubilee of our Queen. I'm not much of a Royalist, but the older I get, the more I appreciate traditions and institutions. I like the idea of continuity and a strong shared National history.
We are trying to give the kids the most memorable time we can. We're doing fun little Royal related things, attending community events and having family around. I keep thinking when I'm gone and they look back on their childhood, I want them to remember the Diamond Jubilee weekend. Funny to think that far into the future.
How the years pass. For so long I was the Grandchild. Now I have no grandparents and I'm the Parent. One day I will be the Grandparent. Maybe.
But not yet!
My Dad and his two Sisters adored their Mother and I can only hope I have that kind of love from my children by the time it comes my turn to pop my clogs. Although, bless me Gran, but I hope there is more to admire about me and that I cause less worry in my final years.
This extended Bank Holiday weekend we are celebrating the Diamond Jubilee of our Queen. I'm not much of a Royalist, but the older I get, the more I appreciate traditions and institutions. I like the idea of continuity and a strong shared National history.
We are trying to give the kids the most memorable time we can. We're doing fun little Royal related things, attending community events and having family around. I keep thinking when I'm gone and they look back on their childhood, I want them to remember the Diamond Jubilee weekend. Funny to think that far into the future.
How the years pass. For so long I was the Grandchild. Now I have no grandparents and I'm the Parent. One day I will be the Grandparent. Maybe.
But not yet!
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